Walking into February like….
Happy Monday AND Happy New Month Stylists! Are we ready to kill it this month? I am…and I’m feelin’ all of the positive vibes.
Let’s start today with a positive affirmation:
I choose to embody love and high vibrations today
I show up in my authenticity today
I will nourish myself well today
I journey in equanimity today
I will respond in my power today
I believe in myself
I tend well to my vibration and energy
I love my body
I am blessed
I am aligned to the highest good
I am expanding
My heart is open
I am growing and evolving
I journey in my power
I will persevere
And I honor myself as a physical, vibrational, and spiritual being.
When you speak it into existence, the Universe will hear it! If you’ve been following me for a long time then you know that meditation and prayer is a huge part of my life. I did an entire YouTube video sharing my full routine.
With that said, I want to take a moment to be extra transparent with you today. I’m definitely spillin the tea! So, let’s get right into it…
Last year ( as we know it) was ROUGH in so many ways. I definitely was depressed for a few months, and I was literally a different person. Not everyone around me understood this though, and it was hard to try to “be normal.” I laid in bed, I cried, and I was angry. Angry at myself for being angry. It took me a few months to get out of this funk, and I thank God every day that I did. Through journaling, prayer and meditation, I started to feel like myself again.
But that was only the beginning. I started to truly heal, and it is definitely a process. Most of my pain, trauma and deep rooted issues come from my relationships and my childhood. This is not easy for me to even say out loud! But the truth is, it took me a looooong time before I realized that my romantic relationships with men – hurt me.
I started talking to boys in high school – like most of us LOL. I gained a lot of attention from guys, and I wasn’t even sure why. But I found myself hanging out with the “bad boys” None of them were decent LOL. Before I knew it, I found myself in some pretty shitty situations. Back then, I didn’t really know any better, and experience became my best teacher. For a long time I was emotionally abused and taken advantage of by men. Thankfully, I’ve never been in a physical abusive relationship, but I did have a scuffle with the last guy lol. Funny, not funny? I laugh about it now, but at the time, it wasn’t cute. He and I got rowdy. And let’s just say, I had back pain for two days. Yikes!
In my romantic relationship life, the negatives things I’ve experienced were:
- Breaking up with my best friend / boyfriend after knowing him for 14 years! We were together on and off for about 8. I moved across the ocean to be with him…and long story short – he’s married now. But not to me lol. Soooo yea….that happened.
- Feeling disposable and used by men. I’ve heard this line one too many times – “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I don’t want a relationship right now.” AFTER they said they did, and AFTER we were intimate. The nerve amirite?
- Feeling insecure (which honestly had me shook because I’ve never felt insecure before I met him). I’m cringing at the fact I’m even giving this man power, but I have to talk about it for the sake of this post. This one guy did everything he could to make me feel insecure. He was emotionally abusive, and it was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever experienced. It was terrible! He would intentionally do things to make me feel uncomfortable, unwanted, and disposable. But that relationship ended, and I thank God I left that situation. And girl, I left it RUNNING.
And welp, look at me now! I hit different. I’m healing. I’m more confident. I’m more self-aware. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some good experiences in my dating life, but they were always short-lived. But through it all, I walk in gratitude everyday for how far I’ve come. My GOD.
I want to leave you with a few tips if you are also healing due to relationship trauma:
- Remind yourself – that’s it’s ok to not be ok. Allow yourself to feel alllll the feels. Your feelings are valid
- Acknowledge instead of avoid – be honest with yourself, because what really happened, happened. Practice and learn to accept difficult emotions.
- Talk / Write About it – seek therapy if you feel you need someone neutral and professional to talk to. Also write it out. Journaling is life-changing for me.
- Spend time alone – this can be a hard one, but it is equally fulfilling. After my last relationship I took a few months off, and didn’t engage with or date anyone. It was actually nice! During this time was when I truly began my healing journey.
- Do a love exercise – I highly recommend anything from Mark Groves @createthelove. Write down what you want out of a partner. What does their avatar look like? What are your personal relationship boundaries?
Before I go, I want to add – if you are/were in relationships that were toxic or unhealthy, please don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. Women have A LOT of shit to deal with in general, along with living in a generation where “dating” is no longer the norm. Most men are just selfish! I said it, and I mean what I say. It can be hard to find someone who is honest, faithful and committed to a long-term monogamous relationship. Trust me, it aint like it used to be when our parents were dating. Men (and women) were more intentional. Nowadays most men want to have their cake and eat it too! I’ve been on both sides – the girlfriend, and the cake – without knowing about the other. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed with my past, but no need to lie. It is what it is, and disappointment is a part of life. The most important part, is that you learn from your mistakes, cuz I definitely learned from mine. My past has made me wiser!
I want you all to know that I will always be transparent and real with you. I share personal stories like this because I KNOW at least one person needs to hear it. I am here for you! Keep moving, keep praying, keep journaling, and keep moving forward!
Thanks so much for stopping by, I appreciate you being here!